8 ways to stop AKB48

What has approximately 96 legs and four of the top ten best-selling Japanese singles of 2010? Well it’s certainly not Arashi (six best-selling singles and a miserly 10 legs). The answer, as you’ll have guessed from the title of this article, is AKB48, a Japanese idol group occasionally boasting 48 members - a certified world record - who today launched an English-language MySpace account with the chilling intention of, ‘taking all of Japan - and the world - by storm’. As right-thinking human beings, at this seasonal time of good will, we felt we it’d be wrong to sit back and let this happen. Hence this article. Is there nobody out there that will help us ?

1. Blind them with maths
There’s a kind of fembot army feeling to AKB48, and - like the fembots of yesteryear - we suspect they’re easily confused. Nothing could be more confusing than the group’s own convoluted five-year history, which requires a degree in applied mathematics to bring you comfortably to the present. Simply read them the press release we’ve just looked through and watch their energy sap before your very eyes.

2. Tell the teacher
Yasushi Akimoto, the evil genius behind AKB48, is not only an evil genius, but also a university professor. In fact, he can go one better than that. He’s the president of Kyoto University of Art & Design. Chances are the man’s got papers to mark. Tell him to keep his head on his day job and let those 48 girls get on with their homework.

3. Sack the part-timers
They’ve got their own theatre, you know. Better still, it’s above a Don Quixote (Japanese retail store stocking everything from air purifiers to gimp masks). Tell the part-time checkout staff that their services are no longer required, but conveniently ‘forget’ to tell the store manager. The Saturday morning rush will require new hands - he’ll find 48 idle pairs in the changing room upstairs.

4. Hope for bigger things
We take some comfort in the fact that recently ‘graduated’ member Erena Ono has followed her dreams to London, where she is now studying acting. It’s just possible that the other members of the group may take her lead and try something a little more highbrow, though it occurs to us now that Erena’s move may be part of the ‘take over the world’ plan. London, keep your eyes and ears open...

5. Inspire mutiny and confusion
As we understand it (and, we’ll readily admit, we really don’t), the AKB48 family is made up of three ‘teams’. Immediately, this suggests an unnecessarily competitive spirit within the band itself, which we’ll happily interpret as insecurity. Currently there are leaders for teams ‘A’ and ‘B’ (Minami Takahashi and Yuki Kashiwagi respectively, in case you’re taking notes), but nobody leading team ‘K’. Naturally, possibilities present themselves. Suggest that the girls vote their favourite member into power, or bribe one of them to lead a coup. Either way, it’s going to result in ill-feeling. Alternatively you could offer the job to Maki Goto, formerly of Morning Musume, who appears to be jobless these days. We’re not sure what this will achieve, but if it’s messing with our heads as much as it is, we don’t think there’s much hope for AKB48 (and their 48 heads, approximately).

6. Take comfort in the past
If history is any kind of teacher, it’s difficult to see how AKB48 think they’ll spread their popularity much further than the shores of Japan. We expect there will be a boom in a few neighbouring East Asian countries, albeit brief, but there’s no real reason for this particular manufactured band to succeed where the likes of Morning Musume and SMAP have so consistently failed. They’ve already done their stint at Japan Expo Paris, and they’re not exactly smashing up the Euro charts just yet, are they?

7. Check their school records
At the time of writing, Jurina Matsui is the youngest member (13 years of age). We’re not totally sure what the law says about child labour in the entertainment industry, but we’d suggest making sure these girls get the education they deserve. Double bonus: they can’t do much world dominating from the strict confines of a Japanese high school schedule...

8. Muddle their shoes
It’s a cruel trick, but needs must. There ought to be 48 pairs of shoes on the shoe rack in their genkan (providing nobody has wandered off to the convenience store, and providing that 48 hasn’t randomly mutated into 67 - their ranks have a tendency to swell and decrease seemingly at will). Separate, scatter, rejoice.

For more information on AKB48, click here - if you dare